Flairathalon
by Failure Turtle
Summary: Ric Flair goes to buy a car...at Ashley Schaeffer BMW. Rated for language and ridiculous shenanigans. One shot.


**A/N: You will really only understand this if you watch Eastbound & Down on HBO. If you haven't seen it yet, I highly recommend you do. It is AMAZING. Just in case you don't know, Ashley Schaeffer is a character on the show based on Ric Flair.**

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, but both these shows own me.**

"Hello there, sir. I am Ashley Schaeffer of Ashley Schaeffer BMW. How can I assist you today?"

Ric Flair, who was currently looking over a black BMW, turned around when he heard someone approach him. He saw who had spoken. The man who was apparently Ashley Schaeffer of Ashley Schaeffer BMW was dressed in a suit, not unlike Ric himself. He also had long, bleach blonde hair with sunglasses covering his eyes.

"Well I'll be damned," Ric muttered as he took in the spectacle before him. "It's like looking in a god damned mirror."

"What's that, old man?" Ashley asked, bending forward slightly and cupping his ear with his hand.

"Nothing. Look, I am interested in this BMW right here, and I-"

"Oh my fucking god. It's Ric fucking Flair! How the hell are you, buddy? I remember being knee high to a cow's eye watching you roll around the ring with other half naked men who happened to be covered in more oil than mother fucking Enron." Ashley extended a hand, and Ric carefully shook it.

"I'm good, Ashley. I was just taking a look at this car right here, and I'm thinking about buying it," Ric replied.

"Woo."

Ric was slightly taken aback as he heard that noise escape the other man's lips. Who was this imposter? Ric did the only thing he could think of.

"Wooooooo."

"Wooooooooooooooooo."

"WOOOOOOOO!"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"WOOO-" Ric was prepared to let out the biggest of his life, but his throat got dry and he started coughing. Admitting defeat, he stammered, "You win this round, boy, but let me tell you, the Nature Boy's still kicking!"

Ashley chucked. "So anyways, about this fine piece of ass you were looking at. She runs about sixty thousand dollars, but she's worth so much more."

Ric wiped some sweat from his brow. He wasn't as young as he used to be, and even light activities took a lot out of him. "I don't know…"

At the first sign of Ric's hesitance, Ashley snapped his fingers. A very beautiful young lady in a business suit appeared by his side. "Ric, if you're not sure about your fine purchase of a certified Ashley Schaeffer BMW, Jennifer right here will suck your dick to encourage your car purchasing desire. She's my closer." Jennifer smiled at Ric.

"!" Ric yelled, doing the patented Flair strut. "Come on, baby, you're gonna ride Space Mountain tonight!" He grabbed the young lady's hand and opened the back door of the BMW. He allowed her to slide all the way in before following her and closing the door behind him.

Two hours later, Jennifer exited the car. She straightened her skirt before walking away, but not before being slipped a twenty dollar bill by Ashley Schaeffer, who had not moved from his spot next to the car. Ric got out of the car not long after. He swung his jacket around his back before looping each arm in skillfully.

"That will be sixty thousand fucking dollars," Ashley said, holding out his hand to Ric Flair.

Ric reached into the pockets of his pants. "Oh, yeah, my checkbook is right here," Ric mumbled, fumbling through his pocket. He pulled out his hand…and it was empty. "I'm not buying your damn car! Ha!"

"What?" Ashley barked, his hands roughly pulling at his hair.

" That's why they call me the dirtiest player in the game!" Ric yelled, performing a pelvic thrust.

"I'll show you what happens when you do not purchase a certified Ashley Schaeffer BMW, asshole!" Ashley screamed. He ripped off his jacket and threw it to the ground. He ran towards Ric, but Ric moved out of the way, and Ashley ended up elbow dropping the hood of the car that this argument was over.

"I'll show you how to elbow drop, mother fucker!" Ric tore off his jacket, as well, whipping it on the ground at an alarming speed. He strutted towards another car not far away for a few steps before running at full speed before falling and allowing his elbow to connect with metal.

Ashley would not accept defeat as easily as Ric had in the WOO-off. He sprinted to a third car. As he dropped, he hit his funny bone on the car and felt excruciating pain. "AHH! My shittin' funny bone!"

"HA! How do you like that? I'm the limousine riding, jet setting, kiss stealing, wheeling dealing son of a gun! I'm the NATURE BOY!" He put his jacket back on as he continued taunting the car dealership owner.

"One minute! Wait one god blasted minute!" Ashley hollered, standing up and stretching himself out. "The score is tied, you filty little son of a bitch. I have one more activity to break our stalemate."

"Bring it on, imposter!"

"Jennifer!" Ashley called, snapping his fingers once again after he put his jacket back on. "My chalice of champions, please! Oh, and my spare!"

Jennifer quickly appeared and handed Ashley two flasks. He raised one in each hand and he began to belt out the opening song from the Lion King.

"AHHHSAVENYAAAA!"

He clinked both flasks together and slowly brought them down. "We are going to have a grand duel, of sorts. We will each stand back to back and strut five paces. We will then turn around and face each other like the blazing stallions of men we are and get down to our knees like we are praying to the lord of alcohol. We will pull our flasks out of our jackets and chug. If I win, you buy the car. If you win, you can have the car for fifty-thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars instead of sixty-thousand."

"I don't want your damn car, but I accept your offer because I want to see you cry. Cry, little man. ."

An evil glint shocked through Ashley's eyes. He offered the spare flask to Ric, who gently declined. "I got my own," he said, reaching into his jacket pocket and showing Ashley the flask he carried with him at all times. He shook it and heard the liquid moving around inside. "Still full from the brandy I put in it this morning."

The two men shared a look of mutual understanding before turning around back to back.

"At the count of three, we strut," Ashley announced. "One…t-"

Both men took off at two, quickly strutting their five paces. The turned around at the same time and dropped to their knees, whipping out their flasks and chugging.

Ric finished first. He slammed his flask on the floor in victory celebration. He strutted up to Ashley, who was still on his knees. He pumped his core forward twice, pelvic thrusting in Ashley's face.

"WOO BITCH!"


End file.
